Design The Life That You Love

Happy Monday Everyone, or for some of us maybe it wasn’t so happy. Since I am always here to bare my skin, I want to be the first to say that I ended my Sunday evening wishing that today was not Monday. I didn’t want my fun weekend to end, I didn’t want mundanity to set in and I wasn’t ready to fulfill my weekly roles. And this all may seem dramatic, but my mental state last night was shot. It has been quite a long time since I have felt this way, and when I woke up this morning I knew that I needed to go back to my fundamentals. I needed to get re-aligned on my own path, and I needed to replace this emptiness with overflowing self-love and self-care. If anyone else is feeling this way, or has felt this way in the past, I want to be the first to tell you that there is a solution to this emptiness. A solution so simple, that you can start it as soon as you are done reading this message.

The solution here is thinking of your soul as a “cup” (and no this isn’t the old glass half-full or half-empty concept, please stay with me here). When you are in a place that feels draining, overwhelming, anxious, empty, or depressive - these are all signs that your “cup” is empty. And when your “cup” is empty you are drained of happiness, motivation, dreams, inspirations, or even something on a smaller scale like being able to make it through a day without a nervous breakdown. My question to you, is how could you possibly pursue your dreams, passions and goals when you are personally so empty that you have nothing else to give the world? This is such an easy thing to do in our day to day lives. Maybe it is a job that is making you miserable, being a parent for the first time, finding balance in work, school, and hobbies, or just learning how to “adult”. Either way, it is time to look past your situation (and trust me, this is hard. But remember I said look past it, not forget about it), and focus on self care and transformation. The more you focus on your intentions of change, the easier this will become. Fill your “cup” with the things that make you happy, things that promote growth in your life, things that inspire you, things that nourish your soul and fill your heart at the same time. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you start filling your “cup”. The easiest way to start this process is by first realizing that you are not going to master your entire life in one day. Once you realize and accept this, you can master one day at a time. The second step is remembering that life is going to throw you situations, feelings and circumstances that you can not control. But you have the power within yourself to control your own attitude and your own effort to get you back to where you want to be. And the third step is my favorite - setting daily intentions.

Setting daily intentions are so important, because they are your path to inner peace. They are what you seek to find and design your purpose, and they help you to rediscover your own happiness and your own power. Your daily intentions should be something that you enjoy - not something that you feel as an obligation. So, what makes your soul at peace? What makes you happy? Most importantly. what makes you YOU? If you are having trouble with defining these things…don’t stress, and don’t think that it is not okay to not know. Be happy that you just recognized that it is time for self-discovery. The best way to start, is by writing down 5 things. These 5 things should be something that makes you exactly who you are - not who your significant other is, not what your kids or friends enjoy and not what your parents or bosses expect of you. These five things should be things that give YOU a light, and leave you with something positive. As an example, mine were photography, poetry/writing, nature/exploration, music and fitness. (You can get as specific, or as broad as you need - as long as you have defined them) As soon as I wrote down my five things - I was able to see what kind of daily intentions I could create. And now that they were defined, I was able to set aside time EVERY day to do one of them from the list. And it didn’t matter if it was five minutes, or fifty - as long as I did them - with no distractions, no compromises and no validation of my intentions from anyone else. Once I started dedicating time to these every single day, I started to feel myself thrive again. I started to find motivation in what I used to see as despair. I started turning my dreams into realities again. I started feeling like “me” again. My “cup” slowly started to fill - so much that even when I gave parts of myself away to the people and the things that I love, I still had enough to keep ME happy. It was my goal, and still is, to keep my “cup” overflowing.

I understand that we have responsibilities that social norms have taught us to follow - such as being homemakers, caretakers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, employees and friends. And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting those roles in life. There is also NOTHING wrong with not wanting those roles in life. But regardless of the path that you choose - there is ONE thing that IS wrong. And that is not making time to take care of YOU. In your long list of things to-do in a day, start putting “caring for yourself” at the top of your to-do list. It’s time to make sure that you are creating an identity for YOUrself. Don’t get lost in your tasks and titles. Don’t get lost as "Mary’s Mom” or “David’s Wife”. It is very easy to lose yourself in the process of loving someone, or something that you take care of or have passion for. But don’t forget that YOU are special too. And the better you know exactly who YOU are and start to have a relationship with that person, the better your relationship with the rest of the world will be. If you are struggling with who YOU may be - remember that it is okay to not know yet. As humans we are designed to constantly transform, both good and bad. Sometimes you won’t realize who you truly are, until you completely lose who you think you were. But YOU WILL find that person, and you will fall in love with them - no matter how hopeless that may seem at this point in time.

Most importantly, work towards being who YOU want to be in this world, without worrying about what anyone else has to think or say about it. You get ONE life, so make it your own. We are often suffocated with our own ideas of who _______ expects us to be. And that blank space can be anyone. It can be your parents, your significant other, your friends, your co-workers, your bosses, or that random follower on social media who you’ve never met in person, but somehow feel obligated to impress. STOP checking in with anyone else to see if it is “okay” to do what you need to do to become the best version of yourself. Yes, in committed relationships you are a union. So, you should probably check with your husband before you put your home up for sale, but you do not need to “check with them” to see if it is “okay” to go to the gym, or escape to a coffee shop to read your book in silence. And if you are still living with your parents, family, or friends - yes, you should probably check with them before throwing a party, but you do not need to check with them before you sign up for that class at the local college. Instead of “checking in” with everyone else, check in with YOU. Be in tune with your emotions - LISTEN to how your body feels, how your mind works, how your soul talks and go from there. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your emotions - make your daily intention something that will calm all the noise in your head. Or something that will help you sort through your thoughts and emotions. Something that is expressive, like journaling, painting, writing music, yoga, or even just taking a moment to lock yourself in your room and put your headphones in. Pay attention to your senses - a smell that soothes you, a song or type of music that relaxes you or motivates you, a meal that fills your stomach and your soul, or even the feeling of grass on your feet or air through your hair. Make time to overload your senses with things that make you tingle from head to toe. Pay attention to what it takes to challenge your mind - expand your knowledge. Learn a new skill - something you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe a language, or a hobby. Even watching a documentary about something you are passionate about, or curious about. Never stop learning. The moment that you believe that you know everything, is the moment that life will pass you up. Stay humble and stay teachable - you will become a better person for it.

AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH WHEN YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BETTER YOURSELF. Repeat that for me once, and go on. Self love is choosing yourself, and choosing yourself is self care. It is not selfish to make yourself a priority in your own life. On the contrary, it is actually very important to be “selfish” with your time, energy, and mental state. What you surround yourself with - will eventually rub off on who you are. So be picky with where you spend your time, how you share your energy and who you share your energy with. Decorate your life with the things, people and energies that make YOU happy. It is not being selfish, it is being cautious and conscious. When we have roles in life, as I mentioned previously, it is normal to feel guilty when you are taking time for only you. Maybe that’s guilt as a mother, father, wife, husband, or daughter/son…whatever your title may be. But remember that these people need you recharged in order for you to love and care for them in the right way. Draining yourself and leaving your “cup” empty is a sure fire way to lead yourself in to self-destruction. And my brave souls - self destruction is not an option for us.

So, when you are ready to take that next step get out a piece of paper and write down your five things that make you happy and make you YOU. Before bed, set your very first intention for tomorrow. Speak to yourself about the type of energy you want to have, and how you want your day to flow. When you wake up in the morning, do the exact same thing and watch it manifest. Begin to set daily intentions - and watch your world transform. Be patient, but be diligent. Take baby steps, but don’t hold back from finding what fills your “cup”. And remember that over time, these intentions might change. And that is NOT a bad thing. You are transforming into the person you have always wanted to be and YOU ARE DESIGNING THE LIFE THAT YOU LOVE.

Photo by: Taylor Cobb